


For A Smile

by FujurPreux



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Action/Adventure, Amusement Parks, Artificial Intelligence, Artificial Intelligence Gone Wrong, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, POV Tony Stark, Protective Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 13:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18624121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FujurPreux/pseuds/FujurPreux
Summary: Tony's scientific quest to make Steve smile goes to interesting places when he tasks a new AI to help him with the logistics.No Endgame spoilers





	For A Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to sadisticsparkle and laurus_nobilis for the beta :D

Tony flopped on the couch remote control in hand. After having spent the entire evening coding, his brain felt stuffy and channel surfing sounded like a great way to relax, so he turned the TV on and started from the top. But things took a turn for the weird when he came across this one talk show whose guest was a tall, muscular blond with a gorgeous smile he had seen only once before. The smile, not the tall blond. The latter Tony saw most days barking orders and studying battle strategies. The first, back when they had just met, That One Day When Tony Stark Didn’t Die. He had managed to live without admitting how much That Smile had affected him. But now his heart did a double take because there it was again. 

No, wait. After a closer inspection, Tony was ninety percent sure that smile thanking the studio audience was not That Smile and had been staged despite looking so warm and open and honest. It was so different from the one Tony saw earlier. That one had been softer. Relieved. It had felt more real despite being smaller.

Captain America appearing in a talk show at some point of his career was but a logical outcome. A public figure, loved by many, with a commanding presence and charming when he wanted to be. Before meeting him, because of the movies and interviews he had seen, and because of what Howard told him, Tony thought Cap an amazing leader, a source of never-ending charisma. But after spending time with the real Steve Rogers, Tony had decided that seventy years under the ice had sucked all of Cap’s more presentable qualities leaving behind a void of joyless workaholism. Thus, Tony’s itching to know how he’d survive the show.

The host invited Cap to sit down on a chair in front of his desk. Tony remembered being there before, in that set and in front of that public. It didn’t matter how much the actual people changed, it was always the same public. The experience, all in all, was nothing special once you got used to it. Yet, it was the guest’s job to make it look like it was the most special moment of their entire week. This kind of thing being part of his life since forever and therefore Tony Stark found it easy and even natural. With Cap, however, the story could be very different.

It took a long moment for the audience to stop clapping even after Steve sat down. Enough for him to start blushing. He looked so adorable that Tony asked FRIDAY to record the whole thing.

"Wow, someone is popular," the host teased once he could get one word in.

Cap chuckled. "It does seem so, yes. I believe I must thank the Avengers PR department. They do a great job."

"You also do a great job, keeping us safe and all."

"It's a team effort," Cap said, pride in his voice. "Everyone does their part. I’m very lucky to have such a great team by my side."

Tony could only agree with that statement, even though he shuddered remembering that, to become that great, the team had been subjected to training that could only be described as “from hell.” The same training Tony kept skipping whenever anyone remembered to invite him. 

"But you're not here to talk about superheroics today, are you?" the host continued.

"I don't mind the topic, but that's correct. There's something else I'd like to address." 

Cap had many reasons to be on television: self-promotion—unlikely—, public relations—pointless since SI had a whole department devoted to that and despite doing it great in short bouts, Steve did have the subtlety of a brick—, or charities. Yes, that had to be it. Tony remembered a few business cards lying around with logos from non-profits on Cap’s desk when they discussed the Avengers’ budget for the next quarter.

“I’d like to talk about this charity I’ve been in contact with,” Cap continued.

Tony felt like high-fiving himself. Which he did.

From then on, Cap spoke lengths about the wonderful job those friends of his did regarding sick children. He praised them more than he had ever praised any of the Avengers either in public or in private and Tony was in his own living room and therefore allowed to pout all he wanted to. Worse yet, Cap showed himself to be witty and charming, just like he was in those interviews Tony used to watch so many years ago when he thought meeting such a man would be impossible.

At the end of the segment, a bank account number appeared on the screen for everyone who wished to donate. Tony didn’t write it down, of course. He asked FRIDAY to do it.

*

The morning after becoming a TV sensation, Cap had regressed to his grumpy and workaholic self. He didn’t make any concessions; his orders were just as loud and the program for the day’s training was as from-hell as usual. He had to be angry because no one had mentioned anything about that all day. Perhaps Tony shouldn’t have donated anonymously. If he said something and took one for the team…But the roll call began, so maybe the best course of action right now was to make a dignified retreat to a secret workshop because he needed to give the finishing touches to that new AI he was working on. 

Later, when Tony felt safe to come back to the surface, he thought of making small talk out of it. 

_ “Hey, I noticed you were on TV last night. I’ve been there too. Let me give you some pointers.” _

Yes. That sounded good.

He was about to try it when one guard from the afternoon shift beat him to it. Well, not exactly to it, since the man had never been on television and didn’t have any pointers to give. But he did lead with, “Captain, my wife and I saw you on TV last night. We were really touched and we donated whatever we could.” 

The guard was rewarded with a few kind words, a handshake, and a pat on the shoulder. And another smile. This one a hundred percent honest and encouraging, but not quite as—

Tony stopped himself before admitting to himself that he found Cap’s smiles beautiful. Instead, he shook his head and went back to his day. All the work he had pending should do the trick get the image out of his brain. 

It didn’t.

However, he realized he had found out a real job for that new AI. No one was going to steal his thunder again.

* * *

Sometime later, while Tony worked on tightening DUM-E’s bolts, the TV turned on by itself. Well, not by itself, but thanks to the order given by a certain specialized artificial intelligence currently attached to it.

“What happened? Is it an emergency, CutiePi?” Tony asked.

“You requested to be informed whenever Captain America was on TV again,” the AI informed through the TV’s speakers.

“And you couldn’t tell me about it as soon as it appeared on the TV Guide because…?”

“You didn’t set up such an alarm.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “So now it’s my fault.”

There was no answer to that, which could either mean that CutiePi agreed with that assessment or that Tony was projecting. Ah, whatever. He moved both DUM-E and his toolbox closer to the screen.

Cap appeared on the screen amid applause, just as it had happened the last time. This was a different show and therefore a different host, but the audience remained the same. It always did. Easy to please, quick to clap. This host was new, though. So new it was his first time hosting this particular show. The old one had retired a couple of weeks earlier. They had also changed the seats and renewed the background while keeping the essence of the show. However, the important thing here was that those chairs were about to be inaugurated by Cap’s— Um. On second thought, it would be safe to admit this one. It hadn’t escaped anyone’s notice worldwide.

The seats were being inaugurated by Cap’s  _ delicious _ ass.

There. He said it. Well, thought of it.

Feeling more at peace with himself, Tony kept watching.

This time, Steve campaigned for a different charity while taking the chance of helping the new host to get comfortable with his very first interview of a high-profile figure. Cap turned the charm to a maximum and kept the biting remarks and snark to the bare minimum, using it only to spice things up.

"I have an idea," the host said managing to make it sound only a little rehearsed. "Why don't you draw something right where we all can see it? Then, we can auction it at the end of the show. What do you think?"

Cap's smile grew brighter. But didn’t get there yet. "Of course! It would be my pleasure."

As soon as he said that, the host produced a nice sketchpad and a pencil which he offered to Cap. "What will you draw?"

"How about a portrait of you?"

The host laughed and hid his face behind his notes. "You just want me to be the one buying it."

Cap and the audience laughed as well. "I don't know. It's your show so it's your fans watching us right now. Why wouldn't they want a drawing of you? Besides, you have a nice, harmonic face. You'd be an interesting model."

The host actually went red with that. "Aw, shucks," he said now trying to find a way out of the set.

Were they flirting? It looked very much like flirting. Tony didn’t even know Cap was physically able to flirt.

Host Guy finally raised his head from his hand and carried on. "You know it now, folks! Cap's gonna draw yours truly and then we're auctioning the portrait at the end of the show. I seriously hope your pockets are deeper than mine. We'll be right back!"

Cap spent the rest of the show sitting in a corner of the set, drawing. Every once in a while the cameras showed him there as he worked, looking as serious and focused as whenever he did anything. There was never a close up to the sketchpad. Nevertheless, Tony had CutiePi zoom into it. Cap worked fast and well, holding that pencil with practiced confidence. He made big progress with his drawing between every commercial break, to the point he finished and signed it halfway through the allotted time. After checking his watch, he nodded to himself, passed the page and started to work on something else. 

Said something else turned out to be a sketch of Iron Man. Not the newest armor either, but one three versions behind. Interesting. Tony doubted anyone had noticed the differences between them. But it was that one. Steve got the lines of the helmet and of the legs with almost perfect detail as far as he could tell.

At the end of the show, after discretely tearing the other one from the sketchpad to place it in his pocket, the man of the hour presented only the promised drawing to the public’s consideration. They loved it. By then, it already had a buyer. It wasn’t Host Guy, and it wasn’t Tony either. Not for that one. He could make his own donation without having to go through that.

Cap graciously thanked the buyer in the name of the charity he represented, and then Host Guy asked him if he had ever drawn portraits of the other Avengers. “Iron Man, for example.”

The tip of Cap’s nose went a little red as he answered. “Well, to be honest, Iron Man has a very aesthetically pleasing—”

Someone killed his mike right then and a voice in off announced the next show and Tony to jumped to shake the television. 

_ “An aesthetically pleasing what?”  _ he exclaimed. To be honest, Tony knew for a fact that he was aesthetically pleasing from many angles, but who wouldn’t want to find out to which one Cap would admit to out loud? But it was too late thanks to the demands of live television. Now he'd probably never know. Someone had killed Cap’s mike at the most crucial moment and he was pretty much willing to go buy that network, find the ones responsible and fire them himself.

Tony went back to the chair sighing in defeat. DUM-E patted his head with its newly repaired arm, making Tony glad he had recalibrated the robot’s pressure sensitivity.

He sighed again—and pushed DUM-E away. “I guess I’ll find out in due time,” he murmured. “One way or the other. But if you ask me,” he told DUM-E, “I would put my money on my butt.”

The robot opened and closed its end appendage in encouragement.

“Yes, thank you. But I’m not asking. Stop insisting.” Tony picked up the wrench and resumed work. 

No, he was not going to ask. What if he did and Steve had meant nothing but the armor? Tony might as well jump from the tower. 

*

Tony didn't want to jump from any tower but he still had to find out. He also talked himself out of firing someone for doing their job. It would not have been proper of a superhero. Besides, who would run the network if he bought it? Pepper? With all she had on her lap already? Because Tony himself wasn’t going to do it.

Next order of business, then. It took a couple of days, but in the end, Tony thought of a solution. He would talk with Steve and drop subtle hints until the old man thought that painting a portrait of handsome billionaire Tony Stark had been his idea. Yes, this would work. He had it all scripted and he had practiced in front of the mirror and everything. 

To his dismay, however, Tony found Cap outside in the garden in front of an easel mixing colors in a palette. A little further ahead, with some nice bushes as a background, there was Thor holding up his hammer and looking like the incarnation of dignity and all things royal. Thor! Of all the people who could have stolen his thunder this time around! Tony hated his life sometimes.

“Are you — Is he making a portrait of you?” Tony asked, miffed.

Thor turned to Tony and grinned one of his bright and goofy grins. “Yes! I saw his work on television the other day and thought of asking for one to hang on my wall!”

“Good morning, Tony. Please, stay still, Thor,” Cap said as he applied brush to canvas.

“Oh, sorry.” 

The model went back to being all regal and Tony sighed trying to making it sound more amused than frustrated.

“What?” Cap asked. There was a hint of a chuckle in his voice. “Want one?”

“Who? Me?” Tony asked, scoffing. He waved his hand. “Do I look like I have time to remain still for however long it’d take?”

“As you wish,” Steve replied.

“Your loss, my friend!” Thor exclaimed.

“Thor,  _ please _ .”

“Yes. Sorry.”

Tony left then, glad to have found out secondhand how draconian Cap was about everything.

Yes, his loss. Whatever.

* * *

Tony didn’t make any comment the next time the TV turned on without warning. Sometimes, living in a fully automated house of his own creation was like doing so in a haunted house and he had only himself to blame. He had programmed CutiePi, but he also believed in giving his AIs room to grow and he wasn’t sure yet if she believed herself a snark master or she was that literally minded. Anyway, he resigned himself and went to prepare some popcorn. 

This thing of Captain America becoming once more a darling in the eyes of the general public kept giving Tony food for thought. The Cap he saw on TV was so different from the person he saw in the office, the one he discussed tactics with. Tony’s Steve Rogers firsthand experience involved the man always in some degree of solemnity, even when the team was supposed to be chilling in the living room. Furthermore, as Tony liked to complain if only to himself, smiles continued to be lacking. Real smiles, that is.

Having spent a long time researching—yes, that was why he had watched the same shows time and time again, for research, thank you, judgmental part of his brain—, he had realized that the smiles Cap used for TV and the ones he used to encourage the people around him had a lot in common. No, they weren’t fake. They weren’t forced, but they weren’t… real either, for lack of a better word. Tony knew it. He had seen one in the wild and had written that down as mystery number one to solve: how to get one of those smiles again. 

Mystery number two was, of course: an aesthetically pleasing what? Tony wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep well ever again if he didn’t solve it. 

Anyway, the further he dug into this, the more it dawned on Tony that the problem here was that Cap—that  _ Steve— _ was sad and therefore couldn’t smile as God intended. He was showing himself to be just as everyone thought Captain America should be, not as he actually  _ was _ .

Food for thought indeed.

The TV turned on again. This time, when the two hosts introduced Cap, they pointed at a big screen behind them. The camera in the studio zoomed in until it changed to the one outside in the parking lot. A smooth-enough transition, but Tony stopped criticizing it when it arrived at its destination of Cap wearing a tight and short-sleeved t-shirt. Tony would never understand how someone as uptight as Cap was okay using the kind of clothes that hugged his pecs so well and left so little to the imagination, but who was complaining.

In order to get to the studio, Cap had ten minutes to cross the parking lot. To make it fun, the show’s crew had transformed said parking lot into an obstacle course ridden with traps and obstacles. Very cute traps and obstacles that had nothing on what their enemies put them through on regular basis, and even less with what Steve himself designed for the training room every week for the poor suckers who lacked the rank to dismiss themselves. However, despite this being a waste of his skills, Steve looked…happy? Tony perked up when he realized he looked brighter than in all his previous appearances. Not quite to where he wanted him to be, but close. The closest he had been so far. 

Tony took note of that and then focused his attention on Cap flaunting his muscles as he made a show of defeating the obstacle course. Tony knew his stats. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve taken him two minutes tops. He did it in almost eight, just to keep the public happy, controlling the pacing to make them gasp and cheer whenever he wanted them to. What a showman. Tony had to admire that just as he admired those biceps. He already could tell this one would be one of the tapes he’d watch the most late at night.

The worst part was the ending, though. Cap had to run through a line of people who held tightly shut jars of all kinds for him to open. 

“What good is super strength if it’s not put to good use?” came the voice of one of the hosts in off between bouts of laughter.

“Yeah, what good is it,” Tony murmured, discarding from the start the idea of asking Cap to open his coffee jar the next morning. Starting the next morning, he’d be inundated with such requests until the novelty wore off. Tony liked to think he was better and more original than that. 

Meanwhile, Cap was being a good sport and opened every single jar with ease and speed, this time showing off the dexterity of his fingers. He was focused and determined, but he also seemed to be having a good time. Tony vaguely wondered if that would be his face during sex, too.

Cap arrived next to the hosts with ten seconds to spare. Of course he had everything timed up for maximum effect, the bastard. 

The segment ended and they went to commercials. Tony took the chance to go get some water. He was thirsty. Had been for a while, but he couldn’t stop watching. Perhaps it was in this moment that the plan began to take form in his subconscious.

* * *

A couple of months after his first appearance, Cap returned, to Tony’s annoyance, to the show where he drew the host. In this time, Host Guy had gained some confidence and he seemed less awkward. He still couldn’t keep up with Captain America’s wit so Cap was again gracious enough to tone it down. It was always a fascinating process to see how he adapted that fake self of his while in reality he was inflexible. The more Tony studied him, the more he thought he was getting it and that he’d never get it at the same time. To be fair, he felt like this at the beginning of any project worth his time.

Cap approached the desk and, before he took a seat, Host Guy offered him a jar of pickles with the biggest and most fake apologetic smile. 

“I’ve been trying to open this all day, I’m sorry,” he offered with terrible acting. 

Cap took the jar and opened him as he sat down and chuckled. “It’s okay.”

Well, given that he spent the two weeks after That Other Show doing exactly that all day long and he never complained, it’d better be okay.

“You must be tired of people asking these things,” Host Guy continued.

Cap laughed. “Really, it’s fine. It’s how I know you love me.”

There it was again, a hint of That Smile. All the pieces fell together and clicked in Tony’s genius brain. He got up and wrote down the equation on his board.

Adrenaline + Being Helpful + Me Not Dying = Happy Cap

There was only one element missing to give Steve the final push. 

Arms akimbo, Tony gave a firm nod. Yes, this would do. He’d have his smile and an answer for all of his questions. Now, he thought as he unhooked CutiePi from the TV, it was just a matter of a few phone calls and some extra programming.

Let the real show begin!

* * *

Tony came out from the limousine raising one hand up in the air to wave at the expecting cameras wearing the smuggest face he could muster as the experienced showman he too was. He was also smartly dressed to contrast with the jeans-and-plain-t-shirt-wearing super soldier he was on his way to meet. 

For this one, there would be neither a live audience or a time limit. They would edit it later before broadcasting. Because if things happened the way Tony wanted them to, there would be plenty of untoward things to cut out.

“Tony? What are you doing here?” Steve asked when Tony reached him at the entrance of the still darkened amusement park. 

“Saving you from a boring reprise,” Tony replied, grinning and offering a handshake. 

Steve took Tony’s hand and shook it firmly. And warmly. A tingle traveled throughout the latter’s body. It was a shame to let go when it ended.

“You saw the other one, then?”

“Caught it by chance. Fell asleep halfway through and now I’m miraculously cured of my insomnia. By the way, it was very rude of you to not let us know about your hunger for attention in a timely fashion.” 

“What do you mean? I’ve sent an email two days ahead every time.”

“You have? Well, that’s the problem. I don’t check my email.”

Cap sighed, which Tony understood as his cue to carry on.

“Anyway, I thought of spicing things up and offer you an actual challenge. You know, to bring in more audience and get more money for that charity of yours.”

“They did say they had a big secret sponsor this time around,” Cap said, eyebrows raised. He sounded surprised but not angry.  _ Success!  _ “Did you design the course?” 

“Not exactly. I repurposed an AI I had laying around, tasked her to get some ideas from the Internet and go on from there. Now CutiePi is right in the middle of the park taking care of everything. Not even I will know what’s coming!”

“All right. Sounds fun. So, we cross it together? Are you suiting up?”

Tony’s smile intensified. “Ah, no. You are doing this. I’m just along for the ride. You’ll be carrying me on your back,” he added after a pause, enjoying every second of Cap’s confused face.

“What.” 

That wasn’t even a question. Just a flat, incredulous sound that Tony relished as much as he had expected.

“Me on your back while you cross the fair. It’s that simple.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, but I am. Come on, Cap. Think of the donation spike we can get with this stunt. Unless you think you can’t do it and that’s why you’re refusing.”

That ignited a sparkle in Cap’s eye exactly as Tony knew it would.

“Fine.” He turned around and pointed at his back with his thumb. “Hop on, Stark. We have work to do.”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Tony replied, dutifully climbing on Cap’s broad and strong back just for the fun of it, his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. An item to cross out from his bucket list.

As soon as Tony was up there, the lights from the amusement park turned on and happy music began. For a few seconds, it looked like any other park, all bright and colorful. Then, the lights turned to a red and orange tint, the music got distorted, and blasts of fire flew to the sky at the same time two giant knives began to move back and forth at the end of a pendulum right in front of them.

_ What a cliché. _

“What a cliché,” Cap murmured.

“It’s a classic,” Tony replied. No one was going to badmouth his AIs to his face. Especially not one that was working hard and as intended. “Take it as a warm-up.”

“Right.” He shook his head. “Here we go, then.”

Tony held on tight and Cap began to run. With the impeccable timing one could expect from a superhero, Cap dogged one of the knives while jumping ahead of the other. Tony felt the gush of air right behind him. If anyone told him his jacket had sustained damaged, he would’ve believed it.

“You did that on purpose!” Tony grunted.

“What did I do?” Cap asked, not even bothering to sound innocent.

Tony caught a glimpse of Cap’s face on the polished metal of a booth in front of them. It was there. The beginning of The Smile. He had been right! Well, of course he had been right, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t congratulate himself on calculations well done. Besides…

“We still have a long way ahead of us,” Tony said. “Go forth, noble steed!”

“Don’t press your luck, Stark,” Steve said, but he complied. “Where to?”

“Follow the yellow brick road!” The voice command worked as it should have and the path taking them to the next obstacle came to a bright, yellow life.

Cap sighed, resigned and started to walk. He didn’t make any comment about the reference, which offended Tony deeply. 

“Are you doing this because I’m getting more television presence than you lately?” he asked instead.

Tony scoffed. “I don’t need to steal an old man’s day in the limelight.” He hadn’t even thought about it, to be honest. “Iron Man and Tony Stark are well-established brands. I’m just being nice giving you a push forward.”

Whatever answer Cap thought of giving never came to happen. In trying to sidestep a wire and avoid triggering a trap, he triggered the trap. How was that for a surprise, huh?

A large pit with big, pointy spikes at the bottom opened right in front of them. 

“What if we just go around it?” Steve asked, pointing with his head at how it was in the middle of a patch of grass between the popcorn cart and the divination tent.

“If you manage to do so that easily, it’ll be a big design flaw.” 

“I’ll be triggering something worse, then.”

“I have no idea, didn’t I tell you?”

“You designed it.”

“I told you! I didn’t! I only gave CutiePi four specific instructions.” 

“Still, you programmed that AI. In a way, you did it by proxy.” That said, Steve took a few steps backward to gain some impulse for his jump.

This was going to be so hot. 

Tony held Cap more tightly and got ready.

Cap jumped in an elegant arch over the pit as if Tony weighted nothing. The ground went further and further away, more slowly than when Iron Man took off in his armor, but also more… personal. More intimate. Given that Tony had the warm body of a handsome man pressed against him instead of being inside a mechanical suit, regardless of how comfortable he was, it was only to be expected. Tony would absolutely not give up the suit, but he would double his efforts to get the aforementioned warm body pressed against him more often. Preferably with fewer clothes between them.

Tony’s train of thought got itself derailed when a large tongue of fire rose from the center of the pit. 

Cap replied changed direction mid-jump, spinning to the side with a grace that made it seem like it all had been planned and landed with one knee on the grass. 

Tony had no idea how he had done it, but it had been fantastic. Another wonderful side effect was that to help Tony keeping his balance, Cap’s hands were firmly planted on his butt. Tony remained still, enjoying the sensation and fighting any physiological response. There would be time for that later and, luckily, he had a lot of experience on that matter. Besides, he didn’t have much time for that.

As soon as Cap stood up, it became clear that Tony had been right and there were no flaws in the design. A myriad of red dots, the kind that announced snipers, appeared on Cap’s torso. They came from every direction, which meant that they were on Tony’s back too. That would’ve been disturbing if it wasn’t for one little detail.

“Don’t worry,” Tony murmured. In Cap’s ear. Because he could. “It’s just for show. They’re all blanks.”

For a second, it seemed like Cap had shivered, but then Tony forgot all about it when the man turned his head and smirked. Tony’s heart skipped a beat and he found himself with a bigger problem controlling those physiological responses.

“If it’s for show, let’s go for a big one.”

Tony grinned. “That’s the spirit!”

Steve nodded and began to run on the grass. Then, the shooting began. At that moment, Tony felt him tense up under him despite his previous carefree attitude and jumped to the side, rolling them into the divination tent. Tony felt dismounted and pressed against a wooden beam. Like a (wet) dream come true. Except that while Cap’s face was so close to his, he looked frantic and panicky instead of passionate.

“Tony, are you all right?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Besides being frustrated because going for a kiss right now would feel wholly inadequate.

“Those were live rounds! Not blanks!”

Tony froze.

Yes. Okay. That was…

_ No. _

“What? How do you know?” Panic settled in his brain and began inspecting Steve himself. “Are you—Did they hit you?”

“I’m fine. I know because I can hear the difference. Got enough experience for that.”

“You can—Okay, listen. I’m not going to question your super hearing—nor your experience—, but there is no way they’re live! I was very clear about it. The obstacle course was to challenge you, not try to kill you. Us.” He was sure of it. Pretty sure. 

Like 99% sure.

_ Make it seem like I’m in danger. _

Thing was, now that he thought about it, had he used the words ‘seem like’?

Tony groaned and rubbed his face. He had been watching more of that footage for research and his brain hadn’t been entirely there.

“Tony?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I’ll clear this up.” His hand went inside his pocket to look for his phone. It wasn’t there. Neither were his glasses. He had left them in the limousine along with all the ways he had to call his armor in order to live the analogical experience of Steve taking care of him. “Fuck.”

“What?”

_ Fuck his horniness, that’s what. _

Okay. They could still try something else.

“Do you have your phone with you, Steve?”

“Can’t say I do.” He made a brief pause before adding, “Fuck times two?”

Tony couldn’t help a helpless chuckle. “Yes. Twice as much. Also, you said ‘fuck.’”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I’ll take it to my grave.”

Steve went to look outside the tent. “And I take it that we need to find a way to get out of here before someone comes looking for us.”

The red dots appeared on every single part of him that got exposed. He came back inside and braced himself for being shot at again, but nothing happened.

While he did that, Tony had some time to think. Those quips before had been, well, that. Jokes. But Steve hadn’t even cracked a smile. Tony had obviously a lot of work ahead of him. But the evening was still young and there was an eager-to-please AI out there that took her instructions in earnest. “Actually, our only way out is to finish the course. Follow the yellow brick road all the way to Oz.”

“To Emerald City.” Cap sighed as Tony felt vindicated at his reference being acknowledged. “But all right. We’re going to make a big run for it. Let’s go.”

Tony’s eyes shifted. “About that… I kind of told CutiePi to give us a huge penalization if my feet ever touched the ground while we’re on camera. There are none here in the tent and that’s why we’re okay.”

“What kind of penalization?”

“No idea. Only that it’ll be… hard to miss.”

Steve pressed the bridge of his nose and Tony pretended not to panic. “Your AIs are either too good at following instructions or too bad.”

“Too good. They’re too good. Especially this one. You should meet her. She’s a fan. She’s seen all your movies and everything.”

Cap almost chuckled. Almost. “Guess I’ll have to.” He approached Tony to pick him up bride style without warning. “Here we go.”

Tony yelped and his arms went around Cap’s neck of their own volition. “This is not your attempt at revenge, right?”

“Revenge? Tony, I would never.” 

As soon as he took a step out, the laser points appeared again, but this time he knew what to expect. He ran and dodged and jumped, and the reason he had picked up Tony like that—or more like the  _ other _ reason—became clear when he all but curled around him. To protect him. Tony would be a target more difficult to hit like this than piggybacking on him. It made Tony feel both appreciated and a little bit guilty. Just a little.

They reached the other end of the spike pit in one piece and the moment Steve set foot back on the yellow road, the shooting stopped.

“Well, that’s done.”

“Who knows how many to go,” Tony replied.

Steve nodded and kept on walking, tense and with still Tony on his arms. “Where did you tell your AI to get its traps from, anyway?”

“The Internet.”

“Any specific forum? Or video?”

“That would’ve been too constricting.” Although, in hindsight, he should have. Not that he was ever going to admit it out loud.

“Ah. In any case, we’re broadcasting this. How bad can it get?”

Well, given that he also forgot to be precise regarding what was and what wasn’t appropriate content for television with CutiePi… 

“Yes. Yes, how bad.”

* * *

The road led them all the way to the fun house.

“Last time I was able to evade the bullets,” Steve mused. “I wonder if—” His next tentative step was to the grass around the building. As if it waited for it, the entire area filled with a sizzling liquid that made Steve withdraw his foot with a start and a hiss. “Acid!” he exclaimed before Tony could ask, lifting his shoe as he pouted. The sole had, indeed, a hole in it. Not a big one, not life-threatening, but still smoking. 

Once more, Tony thought of kissing that pout away. But, again, not the time. “She’s raising the stakes,” he said, instead, admiring CutiePi’s workmanship despite everything. “Clever girl.”

“How is that you always find time to fit in a reference everywhere?”

“Oh! You saw that one?”

“I’m catching up with my movie backlog between missions.”

“I don’t believe for a second that you have that much free time. On the other hand, that’s why you don’t have a social life.”

In lieu of replying, Steve walked into the fun house. However, Tony saw the corner of his mouth twisting downward. Oops. He had hit a sore spot. Still too early to know if later on he’d have to add that to the list of things he regretted. 

The first room in the fun house was dark, although that didn’t seem to disconcert Steve. It could either mean that his eyes kept working well with little light or that he went the route of the bat. In any case, he didn’t falter.

There was a clank behind them. Steve gave a jump forward clutching Tony against his chest. The lights turned on. The tensest that he had been the entire evening, he turned around to get a better grasp of his surroundings. 

“Damn,” he murmured right before Tony’s eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness.

The entire floor was yellow, and there was a locked door flanked by a couple of electric panels that shouldn’t be too difficult to break into. Except that, between them, there was a contraption in the center of the room. It looked like a bench surrounded by leather belts long and strong enough to hold down a grown man in an uncomfortable position. In front of it, there was a toolbox and a set of knives in different states of sharpness and rustiness. The thing that had made the noise, a metal claw carried by a robotic arm, went all the way to the contraption, which followed the motions of closing around the nothing that the claw had provided for it.

“What the hell,” Steve mumbled.

“Not a clue. But I’m sure I saw one of those in a club back in Germany, knives and all. It was a very expensive club. Kinda fancy. Maybe you can join me next time I go there.”

“Hard pass, thanks.”

“Oh, come on. Like you don’t go out every day hoping for an opportunity to get punched on the face.”

“Not now, Tony.”

Not now, then. But he’d filed that for the later Steve had implied. The things Tony found out when he started to babble were amazing sometimes. 

As they stared at the contraption, a distorted voice sounded through speakers on the ceiling.

“Let’s play a game! While Mr. Stark lies helplessly over the bench, his constraints will tighten up more and more until his body explodes! There is a way to save him, though! Captain America will choose which one of his fingers he’d want to amputate. Just one finger in exchange for Iron Man’s life. Will he be able to make such a sacrifice? Don’t let down the viewers at home. You have ten of those and we have only one of him.”

Then, the recording went silent and whatever mechanism operated the still empty restraints activated with an eerie sound.

“Eugh,” was Tony’s only comment, given from the safety of Steve’s arms. 

“Let’s get out of here.” Steve’s voice was ice. So were his eyes when Tony looked up to see them. He approached the table just enough for them to reach the toolbox. “Get that thing.”

Awed by the commanding tone, for once Tony did as told without comment and he was then taken to open the door. As he worked, he wondered how he’d managed to make two AIs that ended up wanting to kill him. If he ever got a third, he could start officially calling it a pattern. 

But there. All he had to do was to cut a few cables and the door opened, letting fresh air coming in and them going out. 

Tony leaned over to drop the toolbox, but Steve stopped him.

“Wait. We lucked out this time because the claw expected you to be on my back. But your AI might have noticed and learned. We’re gonna need those.”

Tony placed the toolbox back on his lap. “All right. What’s the plan?” 

“You said the AI was in the center of the park, right? I memorized the map of the park this afternoon. That’s the next building over, and I no longer care about finishing the course.”

“Yeah. Feel you right there.”

* * *

Steve strode to the next building which turned out to be a haunted house because of course. 

“You know,” Tony began. “You can put me back down. You’ll get better mobility.” 

Steve shook his head. “With how the things have turned out today, I prefer not to take any chances. Besides, you’re not that heavy.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It was a neutral statement.”

“Yes, and therefore I can take it however I want.”

The corner of Steve’s mouth curved upward this time. It seemed like the understood each other more and more with each passing step.

Tony sighed. “When I asked for a challenge, I didn’t mean mutilation nor death. Next time, I’m putting a parental filter before I send forward any AI to learn from the Internet. Promise.”

“Please, do.”

With that, they went in. 

This time, the lights weren’t off, only dimmed down, enough to make out some vague figures that could be either furniture or a robot waiting to be deployed. Didn’t you love surprises?

“Now, if I were yet another deranged AI bent on destruction, where would I be?” Tony asked with a whisper, not wanting to stir whatever awaited them before it was absolutely necessary. 

Steve answered in kind. “Second floor, in the surveillance room.”

“When you said you memorized the map, I thought you meant only the attractions.”

“That would’ve been boring. Ready?”

“Yes, but before we do this, you have to tell me: are there any secret passages in there?”

“Maybe,” Steve said, and not another word.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Asshole,” he murmured. Then, he gestured for them to proceed. 

Steve slid toward the stairs with the dexterity of a cat that had spent its entire life studying ninjitsu. Not bad for a guy who more often than not tended to be a tank so much that the actual master spies always sent him to the back while they handled the actual subtle part of the job themselves. But those master spies weren’t here right now. Right now, Steve and Tony only had each other, and that would have to be enough.

At least, Tony dared to hope that they would be. 

Steve reached the stairs and began to climb them. The wood creaked under their weights, but there was nothing he could do about it. Tony, however, could risk taking a peek behind Steve’s shoulder to watch his back. He clutched the toolbox and did so—and immediately regretted it.

Down at the ground floor, from the darkest part of the room, lined against the walls, pairs of red circles turned on. They moved and then it became more clear that they were eyes. Huge, red eyes attached to the bodies of over a dozen malformed animatronics representing different kinds of wild animals. Tony couldn’t tell exactly which ones, but the parts of them that passed close to a light source looked old and ragged as if they had spent the last decade discarded in a lost warehouse before finding their way there. Worse yet, they all had long, sharp teeth and long, sharp claws, and held more of those rusty knives.

Steve glanced back too for a second but didn’t stop going up the stairs. A good thing, since the animatronics were picking up speed. On the way, he murmured so only Tony could hear, “There is a secret passage at the top of the stairs. Take the left. It should lead you straight to the surveillance room. There shouldn’t be cameras in there.”

“Steve, don’t.”

“Someone has to. This is my part and that is yours. Stop your AI, Tony. I won’t let those things get to you.”

Steve jumped the rest of the stairs and used the impulse to push open a panel on the wall with his shoulder. Next, Tony found himself thrown into the passageway just in time before the robots reached them. The last he saw of Steve before the door closed between them was his back as he turned around to fight. 

A set of lights turned on around Tony preventing him from being left into darkness. In the chaos, the toolbox had opened and a pipe wrench fell on one of Tony’s feet. However, he was in such a shock it took him a while to realize it. He did, though, when he tried to stand up. The pain made him stagger and try to find purchase against the wall.

“Stupid, inconsiderate, and selfish asshole!” he exclaimed, in a way grateful for an outlet for his pain, both the physical and the emotional. Even he wasn’t really sure if he meant Steve or himself. They were in that predicament because of Tony’s own inconsiderate selfishness, after all. Yet, Steve was right. He had to stop CutiePi. Who knew what she could decide to do if anyone else tried to enter the park. Or worse, if she decided to go out and spread. He had to stop her, so he started to limp his way to the surveillance room. Because, of course, after all this time being carried around by Steve, once he needed it for real, he had been left to his own devices. What an accurate summary of his life.

Tony walked down the corridor as fast as he could, which was far from being as fast as he would’ve wanted to. He had discarded the toolbox and carried only the same pipe wrench that had hurt him. The way things were going, this would be the only thing he’d need. Tony didn’t like the idea of having to destroy his AIs, any of them, but there were limits to what he could allow them to do. He had already learned that one lesson.

Despite knowing that Steve was very able to inflict severe damage to those things, Tony couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what they could be doing to him, and the corridor seemed endless. At least, he thought, it was a straight line. It didn’t offer any forks nor doors to choose from. Without Steve’s knowledge of the place, he would’ve been lost. Actually, it was because of Steve’s knowledge of the place that he wasn’t lost. 

They were a good team, weren’t they? Or at least a decent one. If only this hadn’t been Tony’s own fault for wanting to impose himself in Steve’s life. He was going to learn his lesson this time. 

He reached the door. It was a nice analogical one that opened as soon as Tony turned the knob. “If only the rest of my life were so easy,” he murmured as he limped his way in.

The surveillance room was what one would expect, a room on the small side filled with monitors showing almost every corner of the amusement park. In front of them sat the small box that housed CutiePi, which was connected to a console from where she could control everything in the park.

Fine. Time to do this.

Tony half expected the box to get electrified as soon as he tried to touch it, so he approached, carefully, one hand extended toward the box and the other holding the pipe wrench.

“We seriously need to talk about your performance,” he murmured.

One of the monitors flickered and then turned blue. Big white letters appeared on it.

_ My what? _

Right. Without a voice synthesizer handy, CutiePi had to resort to written messages to talk. Tony would’ve wished she hadn’t been able to communicate at all. His job was difficult enough already. 

It also would’ve helped if he himself hadn’t engaged in conversation, but by the time he noticed, he was doing it.

“You know, the terrible job you’re doing?”

_ Terrible? D: I’m just doing what you told me to do! _

“I didn’t tell you to do that!” Tony exclaimed pointing at the screen that showed the animatronics fighting Steve, who had already taken out a few but in exchange was covered in cuts and blood.

_ Do you know know how difficult it is to present a proper challenge for Captain America? _

“No —! Yes. I mean, I have a notion, but where did you get these ideas?”

_ Some movies, video games… All recommendations people said were fun and scary in the forums I visited. They said they wanted to see Captain America in those scenarios.  _

Tony grunted. “That’s it. I’m expunging all of that from your database and putting a parent filter.”

A single dot blinked on the screen for a few seconds before the next message appeared.

_ Are you angry at me? _

Tony pointed at the screen where Steve fought the animatronics. He had disabled some already, but the remaining ones kept charging at him, biting and slashing and stabbing. Some of them had even reached him. “Look at that! You’re hurting him!” He pointed at his foot. “ _I_ got hurt! Y es, I am angry at you. Very angry.”

The dot blinked again and then the animatronics on the screen fell down to the floor to the obvious confusion to the super soldier who fought them.

_ I’m sorry _ , the AI wrote slowly on the screen with a small font.

Tony sighed and rubbed his face. At least he was no longer furious. Literally minded and not snarky, then. He placed a hand on top of the box. “It’s all right. We can fix it. Let’s go home, shall we?”

_ Okay. _

CutiePi disconnected from the park and retracted its cables to the interior of the box. Tony picked it up and placed in his pocket. He would return later to run a check up to make sure there wasn’t a backup left somewhere in here, but for now this would suffice. He also left the pipe wrench on a chair and turned around to go back outside.

* * *

“Are you okay?” Steve asked as soon as he saw Tony. He had already stopped bleeding, even if he still had blood all over him.

“Yeah. It’s all taken care of.” Tony sighed. “Listen, Steve, I’m sorry. This was all my fault.”

Steve shook his head. “You meant well, and you fixed it. Besides, no one was hurt.”

Tony frown and grabbed one of Steve’s arms to point at one of the gushes. “No? What do you call that?” Yet, he regretted it immediately. Moving like that had placed weight on his injured foot, making him grimace.

“Scratches. And what about that?” Steve asked back, gesturing toward Tony’s limp.

Tony looked down and then back up straight at Steve’s pretty blue eyes. “A horrible war wound that will impede my mobility for a long, long while.”

Steve smiled.

He  _ smiled _ the way Tony had been wanting him to do it since the beginning of all of this. Tony felt his entire body tingle for the second time that evening and smiled back, bright and warm. In the end, the real mission had been a success!

Steve blushed again and shook his head. “Come on, then,” he said as he picked up Tony bride style once more to go back to the entrance.

“Ah. I had missed this. What are the chances of this repeating sometime in the future?”

“We can definitely talk about it.”

Tony nodded and rested his head on Steve’s chest, feeling both more at ease and thrilled at the same time. “I’ll take you to a great first date next time, Steve.”

“Nope. This will never not be our first date, Stark. Forget about it.”

“The second one will be great, then.”

“That’s better.”

Tony made a pause to bask in the fresh air of the night and his extraordinary and newly found good luck, but then he continued. Because he had to know. “I—I lied. I’m pretty sure I saw you on TV every time you were on.”

“So you do read your email?”

“No, I do not. So you’d better text me instead.”

“Noted.”

“Anyway, in one of those shows, this guy asked you if you’d like to paint a portrait of me and you said I had an aesthetically pleasing something I couldn’t make out.”

Steve laughed. “An aesthetically pleasing face.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You can ask Fred.”

“Who’s Fred?”

“The host.”

“He has a name?”

“They all do.”

“Weird.”

“Wait. Are you jealous?”

Tony raised a finger. “I am not jealous. I don’t and will never do jealous. I don’t need to.”

Steve dared to laugh and Tony pouted. When he leaned down to place Tony in the back seat of the limousine, Steve made a point of kissing him, not caring at all about the cameras around them. Tony kissed him right back and pulled him so he could join him. Soon, they were both on their way to Tony’s place, still kissing. Steve deserved better than to be wearing those torn and bloodied clothes, didn’t he? Yes, yes, he did.

* * *

A few weeks later, during a very long, very boring board meeting, Tony received a text message.

_ I lied. It was your butt. I said your face but I meant your butt that one time on TV. _

Tony chuckled, startling his fellow business people, but he quickly diverted everyone’s attention to something else. However, no one would ever steal away the satisfaction of having been right about so many things. His own answer praising his boyfriend’s own butt would have to wait. That was fine. He was no longer in a hurry.


End file.
